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Post by Rockstar Spud on Jul 28, 2020 18:35:58 GMT -5
INT. AIRPORT - MORNING
Spud is stood before the band wheeling a suitcase and wearing the AWF Provincial Championship. Ziggy is staring into space completely ignoring Spud, he’s clearly annoyed. Panda is supportively looking at Spud. Fringe is red faced and sobbing. PANDA Have fun lad. Spud smiles. FRINGE (Through tears) You inconsiderate arsehole, I can’t believe you.
PANDA Hey, sto….
SPUD No, let him say his piece.
Ziggy tuts as if the mear sound of Spuds voice is annoying to him. FRINGE We’re supposed to be your best friends.
SPUD You are my best mates, I’m sorry lads, work will only pay my travel, I’ll call you every day and you’ll be there when we go to England, then we can go back to Canada together, I hate this too buddy. Spud loving touches Fringe on the shoulder.
FRINGE If you make other friends and one of them has a fringe, you need to make them cut it, I’m Fringe, they’re not Fringe, you can't have 2 Fringe friends, even if one is from a cool place, like Luxembourg, I love you daa… Spud. Fringe pulls Spud in and cries onto his shoulder. SPUD Eh, it’s okay pal, if a man with a fringe comes up to me, I’ll just not be his friend.
FRINGE (Wiping his tear as he stares up at his much shorter friend) Do you promise?
SPUD Of course mate.
Fringe kisses Spud on the cheek. Spud moves down the line to Panda.
PANDA Have fun mate, let us know how it goes with Laci.
SPUD Of course. Spud and Panda fist bump then share a tight bro hug. Spud moves down the line to Ziggy, who completely ignores his presence. SPUD You gonna talk to me mate?
ZIGGY ….
SPUD It’s like I said to Fringe, I can’t take you pal, I wish I could.
Ziggy inhales deeply and then glares a hole through Spud.
ZIGGY Me? You think I care about me going?
SPUD What is it then?
ZIGGY Budapest, Amsterdam, Berlin, you are going to the drug capitals of the world. Look at that poor boy.
Each destination is like a dagger through Fringe's fragile little heart.
Ziggy points to the sadden Fringe, snot dripping from his nose.
ZIGGY HE LOVES DRUGS. You inconsiderate dick, I can’t believe you’d go to those places without him.
SPUD I’m not going to do drugs, you know I’m not about that life.
ZIGGY BUT HE WOULD HAVE, it wouldn’t have even bother his poor innocent self that you weren’t. UNBELIEVABLE!
SPUD Right, well, I’m sorry Fringe, I’ll take you to Europe another time.
Spud extends his hand and Ziggy reluctantly shakes it.
Spud grabs his suitcase and begins to wheel it away.
SPUD Bye guys!
FRINGE, PANDA, ZIGGY (With varying levels of enthusiasm) Bye Spud!
Spud walks into the distance and the frontman-less band, look at each other.
BEAT.
FRINGE So what are we gonna do?
ZIGGY We’re getting on that fucking plane.
Fringe grins through tears and snot.
PANDA No fucking way!
ZIGGY I’ve got a plan.
PANDA Still no, we’re not doing it.
ZIGGY All in favour.
Fringe and Ziggy raise their hands.
ZIGGY Opposed?
Panda raises his.
ZIGGY This is gonna be fun.
Ziggy grins like a lunatic, Fringe nods and joins him in grinning, wiping his snot on his sleeve, Panda looks helpless.
TBC
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Post by Rockstar Spud on Aug 2, 2020 19:33:59 GMT -5
ZIGGY (VO)So here's the plan...Fringe stumbles into the middle of the and falls to the ground. ZIGGY (VO)How many Beroccas can you fit in your mouth at once?FRINGE (VO)Quite a few.Fringe is aggressively frothing at the mouth and convulsing on the floor. Ziggy and Panda run over. ZIGGYHELP! HELP! OUR FRIEND NEEDS HELP!People rush over to the commotion. Ziggy see's this and gives the slightest of smiles to Fringe before again feigning concern. PANDAMEDIC! A DOCTOR! ANYBODY!Two first aiders rush through the crowd and force there way to Fringe. MEDIC 1What's going on? Is he on something?ZIGGYHe was fine a second ago.ZIGGY (VO)And as long as we sell it we're in.MEDIC 2Look we better get you guys to first aid office.INT. MEDICAL OFFICEPanda, Ziggy and Fringe sit beside on another on a bed. FRINGEHow are we supposed to know what the signal is?Medic 1 enters the room. Ziggy jumps up and stuff a rag in his face. ZIGGYSleep dear boy.The medic slowly goes from struggling to limp, Ziggy eases his body down on to the bed. ZIGGYRight, I've got more to do here, you two need to get to the duty free shop, Fringey?FRINGE(Stands and salutes) Yes sir.ZIGGYI need you to break out the Sean Connery.PANDAThe what?FRINGEThe Sean Connery is extremely dangerous.ZIGGY....FRINGEI don't care, I was just saying.Ziggy smiles and nods at Panda and Fringe. Panda and Fringe speed walk out of the room. Right at the moment the door closes Ziggy cracks his knuckles and begins to undress the medic. INT. DUTY FREEFringe skips up and down the aisles of the store, Panda slowly follows pushing a trolley with far of look in his eye as if to say "I'm too old for this shit". FRINGEFOUND IT!Fringe throws a massive bottle of Martini at Panda, the bottle bounces of is friend and into the trolley which also contains: A sachet of Homuncumilk A bow tie Hair wax Marlboro Red Cigarettes EXT. DUTY FREEFringe skips along with his goodies in a bag. Panda slowly follows behind, he looks in his wallet and sighs, he had to pay for said goodies. PANDAWhat the fuck is the Sean Connery.Fringe hops so that he's stood on a nearby bench before dropping so that he's lay down on it, his Fringe no longer obscuring his eye. FRINGEYou'll see.Fringe unscrews the lid of the Martini. FRINGEHold my legs.Panda holds his legs and then Fringe presses the bottle to his left eye before pouring tons of the liquid into his eye. Panda is stunned to complete silence, jowls wide. Fringe gets to about halfway through the bottle before stopping and placing it down, Fringes legs begin to vibrate uncontrollably, Panda looks terrified, Fringes eyes are closed tight. Fringe blindly goes into his bag and produces the Homuncumilk, popping it open and pouring the content into Martini bottle beside him. Fringe sits up opens his green eyes and rifles through his pockets, producing some white powders from one, he pours that in and 3 Adderall pills from the other dropping those into this concoction. Fringe lifts his mixture up, studiously staring into it. Panda is no longer registering Fringes weird shit, he's in a daze thinking of how pleasant and easy his life would be had Fringe and Ziggy not outvoted him. Fringe clicks his fingers and Pandas back. FRINGELegs please.Panda lets go of his legs. PANDAAren't you gonna stir that thing up?FRINGEShaken not stirred.Fringe puts the cap back on the bottle and vigorously and aggressively shakes it to dissolve everything in it into 1 consistent fluid. Fringe all at once stops, smiles at Panda. FRINGESee you soon bud.Fringe downs the entire bottle. Panda is dumfounded by this whole process. Fringe slowly places the bottle down and sits dead still, focused. BEAT. Fringe jumps up from his seat and runs towards a nearby bin, sliding his shopping bag with him. Fringe begins to violently puke in the bin. Panda terrifiedly watches on. Fringe yacks for a solid 2 minutes not even taking breaths during. A thick fog almost radioactive in consistency begins to come from the bin and into the face of Fringe. Whilst puking Fringe reaches into his bag and applies hair wax, his actions are obscured by the fog. The sound of sick finishes, no wrenching or after sick, just ends, Panda wonders if Fringe is knocked out or he'd finally taken a concoction that even his Adamantium constitution couldn't handle. FRINGE(Thick seductive spot on Scottish accent) Dear boy, we're going to need to find some women.Fringe turns around and the thick fog lies behind the perfectly waxed haired, now somehow olive skinned,, he's raspy, he's a pure and real old fashioned man. Fringe has a lit cigarette in his mouth, where did it come from? How did it get lit? He's wearing the bow tie, how did he tie it so perfectly whilst throwing up? Only he knows the answers. Right at that moment 2 Stewardesses walk by. Seizing the opportunity Connery Fringe slaps the nearest on the ass. She turns, she's absolutely fuming, Fringe gives a cheeky and charming (to him) grin. FRINGEHello there.STEWARDESS 1Keep your hands to yourself.FRINGEI'd rather keep them to your self darling.Fringe puts his arm around the waist of Stewardess 1. Stewardess 2 rips his arm away. STEWARDESS 2Are you fucking serious.FRINGEListen here beautiful, speak when spoken too.Fringe puts his finger on the lips of Stewardess 2.STEWARDESS 1Come with us.Stewardess 2 looks to Stewardess 1 in complete shock, Stewardess 1 shoot her a glance and both know Fringe isn't gonna get what he thinks he is. FRINGECome on Panda, I'll let you watch.Pandas already blown away by this crazed, offensive Fringe, so he just follows, why the fuck not at this point I guess. The Stewardesses lead Panda and Fringe along a series of similar and ever winding corridors. Fringe steps forward and puts his arms around both the Stewardesses. FRINGELadies, I enjoy a free life and I know at least 2 of you will fall in love this afternoon.The women remain silent and Panda is simply dumfounded at this point and just follows for the sake of it. STEWARDESS 2This is the place.CUT TOZiggy running down the same corridors dressed as a Medic. Ziggy is frantically checking his watch as he does so. ZIGGYi'm not too late, I'm not too late, I'm not too late, not yet.Ziggy runs to a slightly ajar door and bursts in. The 2 women are lay passed out on the floor, Panda is standing the corner traumatised and Fringe sits in the centre of the room smoking a cigarette with a handcuff hanging from his wrist. FRINGENice of you join us Ziggy.Panda runs from the corner and hugs Ziggy. PANDAOh my God mate. thank God you're here! It was crazy. Fringe tried to have sex with them they tried to handcuff him and called security so he absolutely battered them.
ZIGGYYeah? All part of the plan. Is the security on the way?FRINGEThey weren't ready for the feelings they were having.PANDASo he battered the girls.ZIGGYHe's Sean Connery. It's okay though, I brought the 'Fringey Factory Reset'.Fringe gives a slight bow. Ziggy rips the cigarette from his lips and replaces it with a joint. ZIGGYSo here's what we do next.....A FEW MINUTES LATERThe security guard opens the door to an immaculate room, not seeing the unconscious bodies on the other side of the door, handcuffed together with the cuff that was previously on Fringe. Panda and Fringe are wearing ill fitting Stewardesses uniforms and Ziggy still dressed as a medic, Ziggy is sat on the chair head down and Fringe and Panda appear to be consoling him. SECURITYHey, you guys called for Security.FRINGEYeah sorry, we smelled smoke from here but it's no problem.ZIGGY
(With a tear in his eye) Sorry, it's my fault, I've just had the roughest day, I'm only here by request of a man named Jerome Hathersage as a precaution as his good friend Ice T is the oldest living rapper.SECURITYWow, funny you should mention him, Jerome Hathersage is a good friend of mine.ZIGGYBut then a young guy had a fit by the entrance, kid was in a really bad way, I hate to see that so I needed to calm my nerves before looking after Ice T on our flight, I've gotta do a good job for my boi Jerome, ya know?Ziggy, Fringe and Panda step up to the guard and he openly weeps whilst forcing the group into a tight group hug. SECURITYYEAH, JEROME IS THE BEST. I LOVE JEROME.The Security Guard gives the group a personal escort to the AWF Flight and watches on as the 3 bypass the whole roster and ticket people, waving them off. ZIGGYHey dude, I'll tell Jerome what you did today.The Security guard cries tears of happiness, doing a guy like Jerome a solid truly means a lot him, as it would anyone, this is Jerome Hathersage we're talking about. Ziggy, Fringe and Panda are on the plane, they've bloody gone and done it. PANDAHey Zig, so what actually is the plan from here?ZIGGYWell, Spud can have his little tour but we're doing fucking Interrailing, sex, drugs and rock n' roll.Fringe comes to the centre of Panda and Ziggy with a look of giddy excitement for the adventure ahead, Cinderella will go to the ball and Mr Fringe will go to Budapest. CUT TO A LITTLE LATER ON THE FLIGHTLaci stumbles down to Spud, clearly massively off her face. Before Spud can assess the situation Laci pulls him up and forces her tongue down his throat, he doesn't wanna admit it but for a second he's a little turned on. Laci falls to a seated position. LACI
(Shouting)
Jaaaaames... that stewardess totes looks like Panda.... Spud glances up but before he can see the Stewardess Laci's begins drooling on him. SPUDShit, can anyone help me get her back to her seat.Ziggy runs over with his medical supplies. SPUDZIG?ZIGGYHey Spud, don't worry, we're not gonna interrupt the tour, we're doing Interrailing.SPUDWhat? Just help me with her please mate.ZIGGY(nodding along)Oh okay, are you *WHISTLE* in the toilet?LACI(Forcing a flirty smile through her drowsed face)If you want to James...Spud lets out a dry laugh and shakes his head. SPUDYou're so cute, let's get you back to your seat.ZIGGYaw thanks mate, my seats not that far though.Spud and Ziggy lift Laci and walk her to 1st class. They plop her down right next to Zaylee. SPUDI believe this belongs to you.LACIThannnnnnk yooou babeeee.SPUDYou're welcome have a nice sleep.Spud kisses Laci on the forehead and moves away with Ziggy. ZIGGYSo what's her friend's deal?FRINGE(Shouting from the other end of 1st class) This is 1st class you can't be here!Spud looks up the carriage to see how surprisingly great Fringe pulls off being a Stewardess, the make up does wonders for him. Spud laughs as he and ZIggy work their way back down the carriage. SPUD
How did you guys get on the plane?
ZIGGY
Well, we made it look like Fringe was fitting or ODing then I chloroformed a paramedic and stole his stuff, then we gave Fringe a precise cocktail of stuff to turn him into early days sexist Bond so that he'd have no hang ups kicking the shit out of some women like in Diamonds are Forever and then the lads stole their shit. After that we guilt tripped a security guard who walked us right to the plane we needed and now we're here.
SPUD
(Laughs his head off)
You expect me to believe that load of bollocks? |
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