Post by Laci Valentine on Jul 24, 2020 1:44:05 GMT -5
They say that when you turn fifteen it's the start and end of something. It's the end of childhood. You're starting highschool. The next journey toward adulthood.
When I was fifteen I was dating an eighteen year old wrestler named Douglas Park, lost my virginity and my sanity for a while. How I managed to keep my grades up is a pure miracle.
That was also the year I started fighting back.
That was when my step-father legally adopted me. Made me change my name and figured he owned me and had the right to throw punches. I got good at covering up bruises and cuts. One night, he wouldn't stop hitting my mom, even after she was already unconscious. I stood up to him. I regretted that as he pumbelled me, I reached for whatever I could. I smashed a lamp over his head, kicked him in the balls. (Later found out I herniated him) and left. After that, everytime he even hinted at touching me, I stood up.
I started training. I started fighting my bullies outside of school. I learned how to be tough to the outside world. Then, when I was seventeen, Douglas dumped me for a former playmate model with a rack that looked like balloons and legs for days.
It shattered me on a personal level, but I pushed it down. Kept training. Kept getting good grades and scholarships. I was determined to not let the deep seeded anxiety take over but it crept in ever so slowly until I started to make decisions based on fear. Fear of what might happen. I would worry about things I had no control of. Later, a therapist would tell me it was a validation issue. A lack of validation from my parents. Lack of one parent in particular actually.
Even now, I still assume things people are thinking or feeling based on this little thing in my head that tries to convince me my thoughts are legitimate. Pretty fucking annoying if you ask me.
***
I don't think I'd ever hit the bag this hard. I was pissed off, I was proud, goddamn it I was determined. I know people in AWF don't take me seriously. I didn't even think Spud, my own sorta-kinda boyfriend thought I could beat him and take the provincial title.
"You know, once I knocked that thing right out of the ceiling."
I stop, recognizing the voice and I turn. I was at the former Olympia Gym in NYC. It was no longer named Olympia though. A former beau of Bliss had bought it out. Changed the name to Adonis. But as a former student of the Fischer family, I had been welcome to come in before operating hours to work out, since I was in New York.
Bliss looks amazing. Her flat stomach was now sporting a small bump.
"You did the IVF?!"
Last I had talked to her she was undecided on whether to use her ex husband's inherited sperm to get pregnant again.
She smiles, rubs a hand over her belly.
"Yeah. I mean I have such bad luck with pucking partners. I did it by myself with Clark, why not Diana too."
I raise an eyebrow. "You can't know it's a girl yet, you're what? Barely three months?"
"Intuition." She smiles. "So big match for you I hear?"
I sign. Was it though? I mean, it felt more like a consolation prize. 'Sorry Priscilla went and fucked up your chances, go fight the guy you're seeing instead'.
"I got screwed out of my big match. All because Priscilla has a sick sense of what constitutes 'quality time'."
Bliss looks at me confused.
"It's a long story. Regardless, I don't know how I should feel facing James. We have kinda been seeing each other."
Even though I had told him that what was in the ring was separate, after seeing how everything went down with Orange and prissbitch, I would hate for him to resent me for winning.
"You know how many times I had to face a friend, a partner, a guy or girl I was seeing? God. I could fill a notebook. It's going to happen Lace. It's the nature of this business. You have to keep it separate otherwise, you'll always feel guilty."
She sits, patting the bench beside her for me to join her. Last year, Bliss had gone on a pilgrimage to find closure with all her exes. Then just when she thought things were going good, her and her girlfriend Ashley, broke up. Bliss had never told me why. She had forfeited her title. Sold her condo and her business. She was splitting her time between New York and Toronto.
"You know I have only ever slept with Douglas."
Bliss smirks.
"I think I... you know, might be okay with taking that next step with Spud but I'm nervous. It's been seven years since I have done anything. We've kissed twice. Once while drunk and the other was when my mouth was full of blood after a match. I don't want it to be awkward and weird."
Bliss starts laughing. "Don't overthink it. It will happen and I guarantee if you let things go at a natural pace, it will be far from awkward or weird."
I watch her for a moment. I can see sadness in her eyes. I know she's lonely.
"Just, don't let 'what if's' guide your life. Live in the moment. I bet, he wants exactly the same thing you do. Especially if he's kissing you with a mouthful of blood."
***
I feel like I did at Fifteen. That excitement I felt when I first started dating Douglas. But I couldn't compare the men. Spud was nothing like Douglas. He was far from cruel. He wouldn't use me. And I knew, somehow, he was nervous about facing me in this match too.
By all rights, the match I really wanted was against Priscilla. I had shown last week that I was able to take her. I didn't even care if it was for the title. It was a pride thing.
When I was fifteen I was dating an eighteen year old wrestler named Douglas Park, lost my virginity and my sanity for a while. How I managed to keep my grades up is a pure miracle.
That was also the year I started fighting back.
That was when my step-father legally adopted me. Made me change my name and figured he owned me and had the right to throw punches. I got good at covering up bruises and cuts. One night, he wouldn't stop hitting my mom, even after she was already unconscious. I stood up to him. I regretted that as he pumbelled me, I reached for whatever I could. I smashed a lamp over his head, kicked him in the balls. (Later found out I herniated him) and left. After that, everytime he even hinted at touching me, I stood up.
I started training. I started fighting my bullies outside of school. I learned how to be tough to the outside world. Then, when I was seventeen, Douglas dumped me for a former playmate model with a rack that looked like balloons and legs for days.
It shattered me on a personal level, but I pushed it down. Kept training. Kept getting good grades and scholarships. I was determined to not let the deep seeded anxiety take over but it crept in ever so slowly until I started to make decisions based on fear. Fear of what might happen. I would worry about things I had no control of. Later, a therapist would tell me it was a validation issue. A lack of validation from my parents. Lack of one parent in particular actually.
Even now, I still assume things people are thinking or feeling based on this little thing in my head that tries to convince me my thoughts are legitimate. Pretty fucking annoying if you ask me.
***
I don't think I'd ever hit the bag this hard. I was pissed off, I was proud, goddamn it I was determined. I know people in AWF don't take me seriously. I didn't even think Spud, my own sorta-kinda boyfriend thought I could beat him and take the provincial title.
"You know, once I knocked that thing right out of the ceiling."
I stop, recognizing the voice and I turn. I was at the former Olympia Gym in NYC. It was no longer named Olympia though. A former beau of Bliss had bought it out. Changed the name to Adonis. But as a former student of the Fischer family, I had been welcome to come in before operating hours to work out, since I was in New York.
Bliss looks amazing. Her flat stomach was now sporting a small bump.
"You did the IVF?!"
Last I had talked to her she was undecided on whether to use her ex husband's inherited sperm to get pregnant again.
She smiles, rubs a hand over her belly.
"Yeah. I mean I have such bad luck with pucking partners. I did it by myself with Clark, why not Diana too."
I raise an eyebrow. "You can't know it's a girl yet, you're what? Barely three months?"
"Intuition." She smiles. "So big match for you I hear?"
I sign. Was it though? I mean, it felt more like a consolation prize. 'Sorry Priscilla went and fucked up your chances, go fight the guy you're seeing instead'.
"I got screwed out of my big match. All because Priscilla has a sick sense of what constitutes 'quality time'."
Bliss looks at me confused.
"It's a long story. Regardless, I don't know how I should feel facing James. We have kinda been seeing each other."
Even though I had told him that what was in the ring was separate, after seeing how everything went down with Orange and prissbitch, I would hate for him to resent me for winning.
"You know how many times I had to face a friend, a partner, a guy or girl I was seeing? God. I could fill a notebook. It's going to happen Lace. It's the nature of this business. You have to keep it separate otherwise, you'll always feel guilty."
She sits, patting the bench beside her for me to join her. Last year, Bliss had gone on a pilgrimage to find closure with all her exes. Then just when she thought things were going good, her and her girlfriend Ashley, broke up. Bliss had never told me why. She had forfeited her title. Sold her condo and her business. She was splitting her time between New York and Toronto.
"You know I have only ever slept with Douglas."
Bliss smirks.
"I think I... you know, might be okay with taking that next step with Spud but I'm nervous. It's been seven years since I have done anything. We've kissed twice. Once while drunk and the other was when my mouth was full of blood after a match. I don't want it to be awkward and weird."
Bliss starts laughing. "Don't overthink it. It will happen and I guarantee if you let things go at a natural pace, it will be far from awkward or weird."
I watch her for a moment. I can see sadness in her eyes. I know she's lonely.
"Just, don't let 'what if's' guide your life. Live in the moment. I bet, he wants exactly the same thing you do. Especially if he's kissing you with a mouthful of blood."
***
I feel like I did at Fifteen. That excitement I felt when I first started dating Douglas. But I couldn't compare the men. Spud was nothing like Douglas. He was far from cruel. He wouldn't use me. And I knew, somehow, he was nervous about facing me in this match too.
By all rights, the match I really wanted was against Priscilla. I had shown last week that I was able to take her. I didn't even care if it was for the title. It was a pride thing.