Post by Rockstar Spud on Jul 23, 2020 12:49:47 GMT -5
INT. LOCAL LEATHER TOUR BUS – EVENING
The lads are sat in usual formation driving along, Spud has enormous bags under his eyes.
SPUD
Lads, you don’t understand. It was amazing.
FRINGE
Sounds it.
ZIGGY
Was it really that good though?
SPUD
Mate, the best, bar nothing.
PANDA
It’s just a pissing bed.
SPUD
I knew you wouldn’t get it. I’ve not been able to sleep since, honestly, I’m worried.
FRINGE
Van’s comfy geezer, stop being a pansy.
Spuds eyes dart across the impossibly cramped tour bus. He then looks at Fringe.
FRINGE
Well ya never moaned about it before!
The van pulls into a carpark.
PANDA
Right shut up about it, we’re here, let’s get to it.
The band get up and get out of the van, sleep deprived Spuds movement are laboured and sluggish. As they leave the van Ziggy, Panda and Fringe enter the venue as normal, Spud looks up to the sign on his way in “Live Band Karaoke”. Spud annoyedly turns to Panda.
SPUD
I thought you said WE had a gig?
PANDA
Yeah, WE (gestures to Ziggy and Fringe) do.
Spuds too tired to be furious but still really annoyed, he musters up all the energy he has to give a laboured and over-dramatically sarcastic response.
SPUD
Have a nice gig then!
PANDA
Stop being a bitch mate, obviously we’d rather an actual gig but it’s good money, wrestling can’t pay for everything pal.
SPUD
Sorry mate you’re right, it’s a bunch of awful people are gonna get up there and butcher all the classics.
Ziggy slides into the conversation.
ZIGGY
Yeah, it’ll be just like our normal gigs.
Spuds rage bubbles back up and turns from Ziggy, Ziggy stares back with the cheesiest knee slapping grin on his face.
BEAT
Spud turns back to Ziggy with reckless abandon, but in his spin he see’s it, something beautiful, exactly what Spud needs right now; The Perfect Booth, the comfort Spud has been missing.
SPUD
(smiling)
Right have fun lads.
The boys nod at Spud and Spud rushes over to the booth. The band gets on stage.
PANDA
(Over mic)
First up for the karaoke, Nina singing ermm…...
Nina runs up on stage.
PANDA
Darling are you sure you wanna sing this one?
In blissful ignorance Spud lies in complete bliss in the booth, he pulls out a 100 classic video games compendium handheld game and plays.
On stage Nina nods at Panda, Panda, Ziggy and Fringe collectively gulp.
The boys begin to play the opening to ‘Livin’ on A Prayer’. They stare at Spud, but Spud is fast asleep with his face in his gaming system.
FADE TO BLACK
BEAT
Spud sees a blinding and beautiful light, as his eyes adjust, he realises he’s in a familiar colourful kingdom. He looks up and see’s
“SPUD’S ACE ADVENTURE”
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
What the actual fuck.
8 Bit Spud jumps.
The pixels fade away and he’s back in BLACKNESS.
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
What now?
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
What? Black excellence, 0-2? RUXX, Oh shit.
The screen crossfades and Spud is in a pixeltastic version of a surrounding that is very familiar to him. He’s in a ring, good, comfort zone, this will do.
Spud begins to notice things wrong; he’s wearing gloves, he looks to his left and there stands familiar moustachioed plumber, but he’s dressed in referee’s stripes.
SPUD
Oh no.
He looks up to see a Goliath of a man.
RUXX
Hope you ready for a punch-out little man.
MARIO REF
FIGHT!!!
SPUD
Shit.
Giant Ruxx begins to swing wildly as Spud is doing everything in his power to just avoid being hit by any of these crazy death blows being thrown by Rampede.
RUXX
Left hook, right hook, uppercut. If Big Homie could see me now, toot toot.
Ruxx forces out a jab and hits Spud, it pushes him to the ropes, Ruxx taunts and celebrates to the crowd, before turning back.
Spud watches on and begins to notice where his advantages lie.
RUXX
Jab, double jab.
Spud sidesteps and with all his might throws a massive left hook, rocking Ruxx, Spud takes this opportunity to pour on the pressure, jabbing and hooking furiously.
PIXEL CROWD
Little Mac… Spud, Little Spud, Little Spud, Little Spud!
Spud has Ruxx backed into the corner, left, right, left, right, left, right.
One last gasp uppercut comes flying from Ruxx.
Both men fall to the mat.
MARIO REF
(Counting rather fast)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
Spud gets back to his feet.
MARIO REF
9, 10.
Mario ref turns to Little Spud.
MARIO REF
KO!
Spud turns and celebrates.
FADE TO BLACK
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
Oh no, I don’t wanna relive this one. Fuck.
The title screen fades to a blue.
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
Oh, is it listening, cool.
On the screen appears the yellow words “Get ready to serve”. With 8bit Spud below pulling a pint.
Spuds filled with masses of confusion.
The game fades in, Spud is stood at the end of a bar, he's wearing a waistcoat, slacks and a bow tie, trying to take in his surroundings, there is a strategically placed “Budweiser logo” (good going, getting that product placement in kid’s games), we're in Tappers.
Spud looks across the room and behind an identical bar to his stands the prettiest pile of pixels 8bit Spud has ever seen, she’s dressed in waistcoat bow tie and has long blocky (it’s 8bit as fuck) hair, she’s holding a dishtowel.
AUTONOMOUS VOICE
GO!
Pixel Laci begins rapid fire sliding pints of beer down her bars to her customers, taking a commanding lead.
SPUD
OH SHIT.
Spud begins to do the same, but he is nowhere near matching the pace that Laci is serving her customers. All his customers are getting served though.
Laci begins to boast and taunt as she is so far in the lead it’s merely a formality.
Spud pays no notice and methodically makes sure each of his customers gets served whilst Laci is just swiftly flinging pints down her bars paying very little attention to what’s on them but Spud see’s.
Glasses are beginning to be slid back, Spud rushes to collect his but Laci is too busy sliding pints down and racking up a ridiculous score.
A glass is very close to the edge of Laci’s bar….
She finally see’s and grabs it before it can do her any damage.
BUT WAIT!
There’s more than one glass, a 2nd glass falls from the edge of Laci’s bar and to the ground, Spud continues working but Laci is now being ran towards by a crazed 8bit customer.
The customer grabs Laci and aggressively slides her down the bar and out of the double doors.
Spud is left alone in the tappers bar, victorious.
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
I Hope she’s okay.
AUTONOMOUS VOICE
Of course, she’s alright you fucking dweeb.
FADE TO BLACK
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
Aww shit, this is the big one.
FADE IN
Spud down, he’s not 8bit for the moment, he sort of looks 3D but he moves through a 2D plane, how unusual and he’s topless, not that unusual but he’s wearing ninja pants, with a red sash and a red head band to match, extremely unusual. As he moves his hands flames seems to follow.
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
Okay this I can get on board with.
He looks to his surroundings, dead centre of what appears to be an arena sitting on a grand throne watching proceedings is Emperor of Outworld ‘STONE COLD SHAO KHAN’.
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
This fucking guy.
STONE COLD SHOA KHAN
ROCKSTAR SPUD.
Spud wants to reply with a quip but instead involuntarily strikes a cool fighting pose and makes Bruce Lee noises (as he does every time he attacks). In doing this he notices his red headband.
STONE COLD SHOA KHAN
RAGING DEAD.
Stepping out from the shadows Raging Dead has his own face but bright blue eyes complimented by his blue Ninja Assassin Outfit.
His icy demeanour perfectly complimenting his appearance.
STONE COLD SHOA KHAN
ROUND 1! FIGHT!
Raging Dead immediately shoots an ice blast at Spud.
SPUD
Wait what?
The blast hits Spud and freezes him solid.
Dead sprints over and unleashes a lethal combo to capitalise; ice sliding kick, raising kick, jab, slap, frozen uppercut, grabs Spuds leg from mid-air and slams him hard to the ground.
As Spud hits the ground, he sees above him his rapidly depleting health bar.
As Dead tries to hit a leg sweep to his downed opponent Spud does a slick backwards roll and is back to his feet.
Dead tries to shoot another ice blast but Spud’s ready for it and jumps and flips over the blast and over the head of Sub-Living.
Spud quickly hits a body kick, head kick, it’s effective and Spud (like a real bitch) spams the absolute crap out of that and looks up as Dead’s health bar drops, giddily smiling.
Dead doubles back and blocks, stopping the onslaught.
Frozen Dead all at once hits grabs Spuds leg and brutally snaps it at the knee, exposing some bone, Spuds health takes a big hit and is worryingly low.
Spuds legs fine again (God bless MK). Spud hits a down kick knocking RD off his feet and again Spud begins to spam.
Down kick, down kick, down kick, down kick, down kick, down kick, down kick, down kick.
And Raging Dead’s health goes empty.
STONE COLD SHOA KHAN
Rockstar Spud wins!
Spud turns forwards and bows.
As if it never happened and through neither man’s control both nonchalantly walk back to their starting position.
STONE COLD SHOA KHAN
ROUND 2! FIGHT!
Dead is mega pissed off. Spud and Dead meet in the middle.
Before Spud can spam anything, up kick, roundhouse kick, punch and he goes flying.
Spud forward rolls to Dead who has turned himself into ice. A confused Spud Kicks it, sucker!!
Spud is frozen solid and Dead thaws immediately and gets back on the attack, up elbow, down elbow, jab, punch, up kick, roundhouse kick, Spud again goes flying….
BUT DEAD FOLLOWS and as Spud did to him, he spams the shit out of the down kick until Spuds health hits zero and is defeated.
STONE COLD SHOA KHAN
Raging Dead wins! FLAWLESS VICTORY!
Raging Dead faces forward, turns himself to ice and thaws himself again.
Again, both nonchalantly walk back to their starting position.
STONE COLD SHAO KHAN
FINAL ROUND! FIGHT!
Dead shoots an ice blast at Spud, and menacingly walks behind it, Spud looks at his hands.
Right when the ice is about to hit Spud, he ducks and then shoots a fireball back in Dead’s direction.
Dead’s hit with the fireball and Spud runs towards Dead. As Spud gets there, Dead gets up.
The guys are exchanging blows, jab by Spud, leg kick by Dead, elbow by Spud, elbow by Dead, flaming uppercut sends dead into the sky but Dead comes down with a hard ice punch.
Spud and Dead both swing their respective elemental kick and knock each other backwards.
Dead hooks a grapple but Spud shuffles out, only to be caught with a leg kick, followed by a crane kick, then a frozen outside crescent kick, sending Spud flipping. Frozen Dead grabs Spuds foot out of mid-air, freezes it and then squeezes until the ice shatters, destroying the foot, leaving Spud writhing in agony on the floor.
Dead goes for a stomp, but Spud rolls out of the way and back to his feet.
Dead tries to punch Spud but it’s ‘BLOCKED’ Spud unleashes a cacophony of kicks to his frosty opponent.
Low Kick, Low Kick, High Kick, Back + Low Kick, Crane Kick, Jumping Dragon Kick!
And then spud breathes fire at Raging Dead.
Now it’s Dead’s turn to writhe in agony.
Spud attempts a leg sweep but Dead jumps to his feet, Spud is ready for this and again charges in for the attack.
High Punch, Back + Low Punch, High Kick, Low Kick….
NO. COMBO BREAKER!!!!!!
Dead grabs the Low Kick and throws Spuds body into the air from it. Dead jumps up behind the body.
UP PUNCH, UP PUNCH, UP PUNCH, UP PUNCH.
And a kick for good measure before both hit the ground at opposite ends of the battlefield.
Spud is 1 hit away from defeat.
Dead charges an ice blast while Spud lays on the floor.
FLASHBACK: Spud sees a young Spud and Panda in an arcade on the MK box machine furiously button mashing, the Bruce Lee esq Liu Kang yelps can be heard.
PANDA
That move is so unfair.
BACK TO THE GAME.
Spud grins, he remembers Liu Kang had 1 really sick move. He gets up and instead of blocking or jumping away from the ice blast he grabs a nearby statue, dislodges it and throws it in the opposite direction.
The statue hits the ice blast and freezes but continues to fly at Dead, it hits him and does serious damage, furthermore it freezes Raging Dead, allowing Spud to get a free hit in.
Spud leaps into the air and does a sweet as fuck Liu Kang Bicycle Kick, each time a foot hits with a sickening thud as Raging Dead’s health drops…
And drops…..
And drops…
And drops…
And it’s empty…..
Dead falls helplessly to the floor, it’s over, but wait.
STONE COLD SHAO KHAN
FINISH HIM!!
Dead stands up, unable to attack, just dazed waiting to be put out of his misery.
SPUD
Shit, yeah, sweet……. Down, Forward, Back, Back, High Kick.
Spud does just that.
RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT SPUD TRANSFORMS INTO A GIANT GREEN DRAGON, WEARING A LEATHER JACKET (It’s really fucking cool, my photoshop skills are quite limited so take my word for it).
Dragon Spud bits Raging Dead’s entire upper half off his body and turns to the camera and poses.
STONE COLD SHAO KHAN
ROCKSTAR SPUD WINS! FATALITY!!
FADE TO BLACK
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
Oh shit, he took a life. Okay, final time, let’s do this.
Spud see’s the awesome battles going on before him, the giant skull of Barron Boneius spitting fire and hammers towards Orange Cassidy and Spud.
That cool cat Orange Cassidy seems to know exactly what he’s doing (as usual) jumping and double jumping out of the way of Boneius’ onslaught.
OC
Nice of you to drop in ‘Sweat and Sex Appeal’
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
OMG, he’s so cool.
A hammer bounces near Spud, who panickily jumps over it.
SPUD (Inner Monologue)
Shit, business time.
BONEIUS
Ah good of you to join us. You, petulant petal of perspiration and poo.
Spud runs into harm’s way, just behind OC.
SPUD
(To OC)
Any ideas?
Spud nonchalantly nods, even in 8bits this guy is so fucking cool.
OC
Hold still.
SPUD
What?
All at once Orange leaps onto Spuds head. Then in as graceful a motion a pixel sprite can Orange double jumps and flips over Barron Boneius.
Orange sticks the landing on the other side.
BONEIUS
Cursed course of catapultian.
Orange flicks a pixel cigarette towards Boneius and picks up the mallet.
OC
Bye bye big bony bitch.
Boneius smiles approvingly, bloody loves alliteration. Orange charges Boneius with the mallet.
BONEIUS
But I’ve already wo……
Orange mallets Boneius as he shuts his eyes, accepting his fate, Boneius’ victory came before the match started.
Spud watches on jumping for joy, Orange turns his attention to Spud and rushes him with the mallet.
Spud jumps over OC.
SPUD
The hell man?!!
Orange turns and chases Spud with the mallet.
OC
Triple threat.
Spud again jumps over Orange, who again turns and charges.
Spud jumps again but see’s just how hopeless it is, OC has the mallet, what does he have? What has he learned on his journey?
Spud double jumps away putting distance between himself and OC. He then turns so he’s facing OC, pops his collar, looks down to the ground, puts his hands in his pockets and accepts his fate.
A LONG BEAT
Spud feels around his pocket, what’s that?
Spud takes his hands out of his pockets and stares at what he’s got. It’s the tappers towel and pint glass, confusedly he stares for a second, before realising the true power he holds.
Spud jumps over OC again and as soon as he hits the ground, he starts sliding pint glasses at breakneck pace towards Orange.
Orange is still swinging and he’s smashing each glass under the power of his mallet but Spuds biding his time, Orange is getting closer and closer to Spud.
Orange smashes each glass on his way, Orange is a few mere pixels from Spud, Orange has a fire in his eyes and a smile on his face, he can taste the victory, what can a tappers glass do in the face of this mallet.
NOTHING
Spud looks up with a similar grin, the glasses might be powerless alone BUT the towel is also a part of this deal.
Spud rapidly wipes the platform floor and then yet again leaps over his foe, Orange not seeing his predicament also turns….
AND SLIPS
AND FALLS TO HIS BACK
Spud then kisses his pint glass before sliding it at OC, OC slowly gets up.
OC is hit with the pint glass and his mallet goes flying, disintegrating mid-flight.
OC unflinchingly nods and goes into his own pockets; Spud slides a glass towards him.
Before Spud can see what Orange has pulled, his glass begins stops in the middle of the platform, it then slides back into his hands, perplexed Spud looks.
OC HAS A FUCKING OCARINA!!!!!
As he looks up the hammer reforms and flies from mid-air and back to OC.
THE HAMMER VS TAPPER SECTION REPEATS 3 TIMES!
SPUD
Fuck, what do I have to do?!
The hammer again flies back to OC, Spuds getting good at the tappers technique and quickly gets the hammer out of OC’s hands.
OC just plays the Ocarina again.
THIS REPEATS ONCE
SPUD
Right fuck this.
Spud throws the Tappers cloth and glass away.
Rummages in his pockets, PUNCH-OUT BOXING GLOVES!
Ruxx Rampede appears as a force ghost momentarily.
RUXX
Use the gloves mo fucker.
Ruxx disappears, Orange has again whipped out his Ocarina.
Spud rushes Orange and confuses him with his insane head movement.
Each time Orange puckers to play the instrument Spud jabs it from his lips, frustrating the usually calm King of Sloth Style.
Orange disregards playing the instrument and begins to swing it for Spuds head, BAD IDEA.
Spud uses the Dempsey Roll Technique to weave and bob under the attack and Orange leaves his chin exposed for a……
HUGE UPPERCUT
As Orange flies through the air Spud uses this elite level boxing to HOOK the Ocarina out of Oranges grasp and out of the battle.
The uppercut has such force and velocity that Orange lands on the opposite side of the battlefield.
Spud’s having fun with the gloves, playfully shadow boxing, not paying too much attention to Cassidy at all.
Spud looks up and OC’s removes his denim jacket to reveal a white gi and red gloves.
OC
HADOUKEN!
A blue surge of pure energy fires towards Spud, the light radiating from it is near blinding.
Spud just covers up, hoping his gloves can block this blast headed his way, Spud closes his eyes tightly.
The impact hits his gloves.
BEAT
Spud slowly opens his eyes, to his surprise the gloves are intact, so Spud moves, as soon as he does this his gloves disintegrate into trillions of tiny little specs of pixel ash.
Orange charges his next hadouken, one to get the job done.
Spud drops his jacket to the floor.
Spud ties his red headband earned against Raging Dead tightly around his head and slowly walks forwards in complete zen, Orange is perplexed by this but continues to charge. Spud reaches the centre of the battlefield.
OC
HADOUKEN!
Spud continues calmly walking in the direction of his impending doom.
Right as the blast is mere millimetres from Spud, he swiftly ducks.
AND SENDS A FIRE BLAST BACK ORANGE’S WAY.
It’s upon Orange too fast, he can’t react and his gi and gloves are destroyed.
Without an ounce of patience Spud jumps into the air and then for one last time lets out a Bruce Lee yell as he does the patented Liu Kang Bicycle Kick, flying right for the face of Spuds friend.
Peppering Orange with shots until The King of Sloth Style is no more.
Spud drops to the ground victorious, raising his arms.
Spud floats into the air as the arena around him fades away, the shot zooms in and then this appears:
NOW ON TO THE NEXT ADVENTURE
