Post by Barron Boneius on Jul 20, 2020 8:36:52 GMT -5
Big Bone Pilot
After the breakout success of Hawaii Bone-O the executives at FOX were looking to expand the Boneius brand. The Barron agreed to work on the pilot for another show on the promise that he would have complete and total creative control. A budget was provided to the Barron and he left. The following is that pilot, made without writers, directors and a general crew. Most of the dialogue is improvised. Upon watching the pilot FOX hired a crack team of mercenaries to track down and destroy all copies. This is the final copy.
Fade into -
Officer Bone and Officer Big walk into a back alley. There are police and medics already rushing around on the scene. Both officers are dressed in very similar brown suits. An officer runs up to them.
Officer Monty
Thank god you’re here Big Bone, you might want these, this one’s pretty messy.
He hands the pair both latex gloves. Officer Big casually eats his. They approach a body lying on the ground. It’s a woman with a bruise on her head lying still. There are some sticks beside her head.
Officer Monty
We found her like this. My boys ain’t got no ideas, that’s why we called you.
Officer Big gets down on his hands and knees and looks at the bruise.
Officer Big
I think she was hit.
Officer Bone
That would explain the bruise.
Officer Big
What would?
Officer Bone
If she was hit.
Officer Big
Oh.
Officer Big
We’ll find out who did this.
Officer Bone
The hitting he means.
Officer Big
Yes the hitting, we will solve it.
Officer Bone
Yes we will.
Officer Monty tips his cap to the pair.
Officer Monty
Thanks Big Bone, I hope the commissioner is ok with you guys helping us out here.
Officer Bone and Officer Big walk into Commissioner Crankies’ office. He’s sat loading a revolver as they enter.
Crankie
WHAT IN NIXONS WARDROBE ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Officer Bone
We’re helping out on a new case, thought we should let you know.
Officer Big throws some case notes on the desk with such vigour they fly all around the room.
Crankie
A CUNTING MURDER! I GAVE YOU BOTH ONE FUCKING BLOODY SIMPLE TASK, STOP DRUGS AND YET HERE YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP A MURDER.
Officer Big
What it they’re related.
Crankie
ARE THEY?
Offcier Big
I don’t think so.
Officer Bone
Maybe.
Officer Big
They might be.
Crankie
ENOUGH! DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A 2010 CHRISTIAN BALE FILM TO YOU TWO! NO?! THEN QUIT YOUR THE FIGHTER-ING. GET SHITTING OUT THERE AND STOP DRUGS OR I’M SHUTTING DOWN THE BIG BONE PROGRAM FOR GOOD YOU FUCKING WALNUT LOOKING ARSE CHEEKS.
Big and Bone are both in a police car driving down the street in silence. This goes on for 20 seconds.
Officer Big Officer Bone
So how do we sto- How do we sto-
Officer Big
We need to find were drugs are made. How do you make drugs?
Officer Bone
In a cauldron.
Officer Big lets out a loud ‘Hmm’.
Officer Big
We need to go somewhere with cauldrons.
Officer Bone
Why?
Officer Big
For the drugs.
Officer Bone
Why would there be, oh, ok, I understand.
Officer Bone
I have an idea where to go.
Officer Big
Ok.
Officer Bone
Ok.
Officer Big switches the radio back on.
They drive past a sign reading ‘Welcome to Salem’
They arrive in the middle of the quaint village. They both get out of the vehicle.
Officer Big points up to the sky.
Officer Big
Look.
Witch
Well well, if it isn’t Big Bone. I suppose you’ve come to stop me making all the drugs. Ha, you know what happened to the last person that tried that.
Flashback to -
Cut back to -
Officer Bone on the phone.
Officer Bone
It’s B-O-N, O, like orange. No orange. The fruit.
Behind him in the distance Officer Big walks up the frail old Witch, lifts her above his head and slams her down onto his knee. The witch starts screaming profanities and also just generally screaming.
Officer Big
It’s done
Officer Bone (Down the phone)
I’ll call you back.
Officer Bone and Officer Big both have mini-guns in hand and sunglasses on. They stand over the witch.
Officer Bone
Hubble Bubble, Toil and Trouble, let’s turn this dirty witch to –
Officer Big
Bubble.
They pause for exactly 11 seconds.
Witch
Am I -
They both start firing at her as a sick electric guitar sting plays.
Back at the station the two walk in as everyone stands up and applauds. They walk into Commissioner Crankies’ office.
Crankie
LOOKS LIKE YOU BLOODY MAVERICKS ACTUALLY DID IT. CALL ME A TREE AND HARVEST ME YOU ACTUALLY STOPPED DRUGS.
Officer Big
Yes.
Officer Bone
And the cases were related in the end.
Officer Big
Yes, they were related.
Officer Bone
The cases that is.
Officer Big
Yes
Officer Big
Yes
Crankie
WELL DONE ON DOUBLE THE VICTORY THEN.
The officers stand stock still for a long moment
Crankie
HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES BIG BONE; DON’T GO CUNTING CELEBRATING TOO SOON. I’VE JUST RECEIVED SHITTING WORD THAT GANGS ARE IN THE CITY. YOU HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT GET OUT THERE AND MAKE NO GANGS.
Officer Big
Will our work ever be over, or is crime part of life, we ended drugs, but look at the cost. Will the need for Big Bone ever pass, or are we doomed to repeat this cycle forever.
Officer Bone receives another call and leaves.
Credits Roll -