Maeve Shiliko answers the door, military jacket over her shoulders and backpack slung over her back. She looks slightly dishevelled.
MAEVE
Hi, so good of you to come, a couple of the guys here thought you wouldn’t.
SPUD
(sarcastically)
Wouldn’t miss it.
PRISCILLA (OVER PA SYSTEM)
Maeve, show our guest to the dining room.
SPUD
Jesus, is Lord Vader always like that?
MAEVE
Priscilla may be quite eccentric but don’t compare her to that bloody hack.
SPUD
What?
MAEVE
(Whispers)
She’s much more of a Palpatine type.
Spud laughs.
MAEVE
Shall we?
Maeve leads Spud through a series of impossibly precise and bizarre corridors, Spud looks through an ajar door to his left and see’s what appears to be a replica of the Simpsons living room with a ‘family’ of actors paid to recreate various couch gags from the show.
Maeve drags him away as he stares.
MAEVE
That’s one of The Prince’s special rooms, he’s Santa’s little helper.
A look of pure shock fills Spud’s face. The pair round a staircase and a window peering into what below appears to be an old fashioned pool hall set up.
SPUD
That another one of Alberts special rooms?
MAEVE
What?
SPUD
Like the painting with the dogs and pool?
MAEVE
That’s just a pool table.
Maeve mouths weirdo, then realises that she’s become acclimated to the bizarre nature of this place.
The pair reach the entrance to the dining area, S2 is stood guarding the door, like a true bouncer.
S2
You got any weapons on you?
SPUD
….. No?
S2
I’m gonna give a full search just to be safe.
PRISCILLA
(Shouting from inside the room)
S2 just let the little guy in.
S2 rolls his eyes then stands out of the way of the door, gesturing for Spud to enter.
SPUD
Thank you Maeve.
Spud walks into the room and S2 expects Maeve to do the same, when she doesn’t move though, instead opting to remain in place, glaring up at him, he finally cracks.
S2
Enjoying the view little lady?
Maeve reaches into a backpack adorned across her back, and with silent rage, pulls out her personalised blanket, the one sullied by S2 himself, and holds it in his face.
MAEVE
Thought this was real clever huh?
S2
It’s better than the shit artwork that was already on there.
MAEVE
What do you think Priscilla’s gonna say when she sees this?
S2
She’s gonna say ‘Are you trying to tell me that S2, my long time friend and mentor, the guy who saved me from a broken home, did something like that? You, the new girl? Is that what you’re telling me?’
MAEVE
No she won’t!
S2
Oh she will sweetheart. She’s not gonna believe dick that comes out of your lips. Me and Miss Kelly are tight, and if you and your new boyfriend want to keep your jobs, you better suck it up and get used to it. I can have your asses outta here in a second.
Maeve just continues to glare up at S2, blanket in hand.
S2
Don’t believe me? Go in there now. Interrupt her dinner. Let her know. Your scrumptious little yellow ass will be right back at that Post Office though.
Maeve continues to glare up at S2, before her eyes flicker towards the door to the room. She mulls on it a few more seconds, before she turns on her heel, storming back down the hall away from a laughing S2, as she stuffs the blanket back into her pack.
S2
Slower baby, I gotta take some mental pictures for later when Big S gets some time with Slightly Less Big S.
Maeve picks up the pace and begins to jog away.
S2
Yo, that’ll work make dem cheeks bounce.
INT. DINING ROOM
At the end of an impossibly long and decadent dinner table, a large, lush, velvet throne sits, facing away from Spud and the table itself. Rockstar Spud is taken aback by the shear grandeur of the room. After a moment of taking in his surroundings Spud sits at the opposite end of the table on a slightly worse, slightly smaller and slightly less decadent throne.
Spud slowly places the AWF Provincial Championship in front of him, like a UFC press conference.
PRISCILLA
Is he there?
Stood off to the side of the room, one of Priscilla’s guards, Cranston, nods. In that instant, the throne twists around, unveiling a grinning and devious looking Priscilla Kelly, stroking her own AWF World’s Championship like a Hollywood Mafiosa would a cat. Spud scaredly jumps but quickly regains his composure.
PRISCILLA
Oh it worked! I made you jump! Did you like that? Little Godfather reference! Cranston tried talking me out of it, said it’d be too on the nose, but I dunno, I thought it was worth going for? I installed the wheels on this thing just for that joke so...
SPUD
(sarcastically)
Terrifying, very clever Champ.
Priscilla narrows her eyes at Spud. She leans forwards slowly, placing her own Championship Belt on the table, making eye contact with Spud as she does so almost in a way to compare the prestige of the two belts.
SPUD
Oh it’s a dick measuring competition now?
PRISCILLA
Belt measuring sweetie. If it was a dick measuring competition, I’d win.
SPUD
True, that absolute dick stood at the door outside is massive.
Priscilla actually chuckles at this.
PRISCILLA
You hungry potato boy?
SPUD
Is that seriously why I’m here? Dinner? Like actual dinner?
PRISCILLA
Of course Spuddy baby, but here’s the catch…
Spuds nostrils annoyed flare as he rolls his eyes.
PRISCILLA
You’re on the menu.
The door behind Spud opens up, and S2 moves into the room, gigantic knife and fork in hands.
Spud scaredly jumps up onto the table.
SPUD
What the fuck Priscilla?!!!
PRISCILLA
You think I’d leave it at just Ironside and Sydal? You didn’t think I’d forget about you did I!? Let me tell you, you were the easiest one to take out yet Spuddy Baby! You just came here willingly! Now S2, bon appetit.
Spud grabs the Provincial Title ready to swing for the fences.
SPUD
Stay the fuck away from me big fella. Even if you do this, I’m taking some fucking teeth with me.
S2 laughs to himself, as he slowly moves over to the table, eyes rested on Spud. Upon reaching it, he slowly looks down at the table, and places the knife and fork next to Spud’s plate, then pulls out a napkin and places that down too.
S2
There you go. Wouldn’t want to use your hands would you?
S2 laughs as he turns and walks back out of the room, leaving Spud just stood on top of the table. Priscilla is giggling to herself from her velvet throne.
SPUD
(sighs deeply)
Of course, another game. I fucking hate that guy.
PRISCILLA
Well don’t hate on him sweetie, that was my idea. I thought it was a bit childish and easy but wow, it really landed. You are gullible.
Spud slowly climbs down from the table, placing his belt back in place.
SPUD
I am but that’s okay Champ. I don’t hate you, I don’t like you but you’re just a lost kid, like me, you just (Obi Wan voice) turned to the dark side.
Spud giggles to himself.
PRISCILLA
That reminds me of that movie.
SPUD
Yeah, Star Wars?
PRISCILLA
No. Hook. You know with Robin Williams? And the Lost Boys?
Spud annoyedly laughs it off.
PRISCILLA
Would you like some bread?
SPUD
Sure, why not.
PRISCILLA
Awesome. You needed to say yes because I got this shit installed.
Priscilla presses a button, and out of the table, little platforms rise with a platter of bread on it for both herself and Spud. Priscilla grins.
PRISCILLA
This table cost a lot. It’s like it’s own little oven sorta thing.
Spud tries to cage his amazement, this is one of the coolest pointless things he’s ever seen.
PRISCILLA
You know what it reminds me of actually, and maybe it’s why I bought it… it reminds me of the stages in my lounge! The ones that rise in and out of the floor, you know the ones, you performed on one of them! Well, for about 5 minutes...
Spud ignores the comment and begins to gorge himself on bread, just eating fistfulls of the stuff.
PRISCILLA
Wow, didn’t even consider I may have poisoned the bread?
SPUD
(Confidently looking up)
If you were planning on killing me I’d already be dead and anyway this week, you and I have to team, so it’d be pretty stupid for you to kill me, right? Also I live in a van, on packet macaroni over a camping stove, poison or not, this beats that any day.
PRISCILLA
I know how that is.
SPUD
Know how what is? Cheap packed meals (looking around) somehow I find that hard to believe Champ.
PRISCILLA
Funnily enough, I wasn’t born in this mansion… Chump.
SPUD
This mansion, a 4 bed, some other mansion, does it really make a difference CHAMP?
PRISCILLA
How about a sleeping bag in a cardboard box on the fucking street… CHUMP!
SPUD
Oh shit, the rumours are true, you are an inflatable doll, wait til Bret hears about this. I don’t buy it.
For the first time, it’s Priscilla’s turn to go red faced, angry. Cranston gulps, and shuffles awkwardly. Priscilla just glares at Spud, a familiar fire in her eyes, a fire that has been the last sight of many men. She rises to her feet slowly.
Spud looks in the eyes of Priscilla, the facade is broken, no longer does he see Hells Favourite Harlot, he sees himself, he sees every moment which a teacher told him no, every moment he was bullied and attacked, Spud see’s Spud.
SPUD
It’s true. Wow, what happened?
PRISCILLA
Something you’ll never understand.
Priscilla sits back down in her seat slowly, her demeanour calming down, but still clearly rattled. Her smile is no more, and shows no signs of returning.
SPUD
Your stuff is your stuff, keep it to yourself, that’s fine. I’m glad to finally be talking to a human though.
Priscilla trying to shake off how rattled she is clicks her fingers, the bread descends back into the table and 2 Human Pups enter the room crawling, with plates of lobster thermidor on their backs.
PRISCILLA
You can pet them if you like.
Spud is thrown back into discomfort and annoyance. The joy of seeing Spud squirm once more slowly brings Priscilla back to herself, a small smile is returning to the surface.
SPUD
Right when I thought this was going somewhere, typical.
PRISCILLA
Yeah well. This isn’t a therapy session sweetheart.
Spud grabs the plate from the pups back, the pup begs for attention, as dogs do but gets none.
At the other end of the table Priscilla is loving her pup, she cuddles it as it licks her face slightly, as it gets down it begins humping her leg. Priscilla feeds it a little bit of bread, as she lets it continue in its humping, enjoying how disgusted Spud looks at the sight.
SPUD
I’m supposed to eat with that thing, doing that??
PRISCILLA
His name is Champion. (to the dog) Who’s a good boy Champion? You are. Yes you are! Yes you arrreee!!!
Spud tries his best to ignore and eat his meal but the pup begins to moan and howl.
SPUD
Seriously?...
PRISCILLA
You don’t like dogs? You more of a cat person? We have some of those too if you like?
The pair stare at each other. Spuds trying to contain his annoyance as Priscilla smirks.
PRISCILLA
Bet you’d love it if Laci Valentine came out here with some cat ears and a tail. Y’know, I’ve got a bucket of stuff in the back that could achieve that.
SPUD
Don’t even mention her name, last I saw her she was laid out by your goons, me and my friends had to get her to A and E because of some shit for brains paramedic.
Right on cue the door opens a crack and the teenage paramedic pops her head through the door, she’s on Priscilla's pay-roll too.
PARAMEDIC
No hard feelings, Miss Kelly is paying for my med school.
Spuds jaw drops, how much reach does Priscilla really have?
PRISCILLA
That wasn’t anything against Miss Valentine, she’d just simply drawn the short straw by being Orange Cassidy’s opponent that night.
Spud looks down and thinks “OC is so cool, fuck”.
SPUD
OC’s my best… well goo… we’re definitely pals.
PRISCILLA
Really? I don’t think he’s ever actually mentioned you.
SPUD
Never? Surely once… You don’t talk to Orange, we texted, like more than once.
PRISCILLA
Never heard him say a thing about you.
Spud sadly looks down to his phone, his screensaver is him and Orange Double Dragon posing fighting the Aces and 8’s.
PRISCILLA
But I’m sure I’m on his mind nonstop. And listen, I wanted him in that Chamber. Too bad for Laci that she got stuck with him, but that’s not on me, I didn’t do the booking. I don’t even especially dislike that ginger bitch, but she is fun to fuck with. It was all about Cassidy.
SPUD
Why go that far? Why not just use your ref?
PRISCILLA
I’m sorry do you think I care about Laci’s safety? I don’t dislike her but I’m not gonna go through extra effort to avoid hurting her.
SPUD
(Welling up slightly)
She didn’t deserve that, just to win a match, she did nothing wrong. (Getting angry) I don’t care what you’ve been through, it’s not an excuse to be such a cold and evil cunt.
PRISCILLA
Aw has she tugged on your heart strings Spuddy? Do you like the ginger-nut?
SPUD
I do but that’s not the point, nobody deserves to be treated that way, we’re all professional wrestlers, we’re a family, we should trust each other.
PRISCILLA
People love throwing that word around. ‘Family’. Like that means anything. We’re not a family. My family didn’t stop from hurting me-
SPUD
OH POOR PRISCILLA, POOR PRISCILLA HAS A PAST. EVERYONE FEELS SORRY FOR PRISCILLA! MY FAMILY WAS 2 PEOPLE, THE REST WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. It’s not an excuse.
PRISCILLA
Two!? That sounds fucking nice. I had zero. You think I use it as an excuse!? I’m not trying to excuse myself of anything! I don’t give a single fuck what you think about me. I don’t care if you think I’m a bad fucking person because I hurt your dear little crush. I am a bad fucking person. And you’re a good person. And you’re living in a van. And I’m living in a fucking mansion. It’s not an excuse Spud, it’s a key to fucking success!
The pair stare intently into each other’s eyes, the tension is palpable, it’s dripping from the walls. Priscilla finally kicks Champion off of her leg, before he whines and scurries out of the room.
BEAT
Spud stands up from his chair, takes a deep breaths and slowly and deliberately approaches Priscilla.
The pair are inches from each other. As Spud speaks Priscilla stares into his eyes intently, hanging on every word.
SPUD
Okay, I think we both know where we stand now, I do not like you. You hate me, but these beautiful pieces of leather and gold on this gorgeous, expensive looking, dinner table say that I’m the number 1 man in this promotion and you’re the number 1 woman and I like it that way, I like my spot, I’m not giving it up. We’re in an 10 on 2 situation, we’re probably gonna lose but we’re putting the fucking fear of God in them on our way out, we’re gonna hurt them, we’re gonna make them think, this isn’t gonna be as easy as a 10 on 2 should be. We’re both gonna lose at some point but when I get pinned, well fuck, whoever did can keep their little ego boost, I’m in a scramble on the weekend so should they do it again in my match I’m popping right back up and decimating whoever did it, for you, same thing and you’re in a chamber at Yankee Stadium so no doubt you have some nefarious plan to keep your belt, so we’re fine. This is an exhibition of our dominance, a few sparring sessions and I’m telling you right now you can count on me because I’m one of the few people who hates losing more than you Priscilla.
Priscilla continues to stare at Spud. Her eyes narrow once more, but the anger that was once there has faded. She liked what she just heard, she just didn’t like the man it came from.
PRISCILLA
MAAAAEVE!
Maeve runs into the room, seeing her boss and Spud eye to eye, from the outside looks somewhat intimate.
Spud swiftly turns to Maeve.
SPUD
It’s fine Maeve, I can show myself out.
PRISCILLA
Maeve, get someone to make up the big guest room, Spud’s gonna be staying with us this week.
SPUD
I am no…..
PRISCILLA
You are, this is my last match before the chamber, I am not getting injured because you barely sleep in the back of a messy, disgusting van. You’re gonna be well rested, you’re not fucking this up for me, take a bed you little fucking idiot, I won’t offer again.
Spud inhales deeply, glares at Priscilla and gives a slight nod. Priscilla turns to Maeve.
PRISCILLA
Make sure it’s one of the nicer rooms Maeve.
And with that, Maeve motions for Spud to follow her, and the Rockstar does so. He takes one last look at Priscilla, still stood in the middle of the room, still clearly unsettled and angered, before the doors close behind him, and Priscilla is gone from view.
