Post by Phil Goode on Jun 30, 2020 2:37:57 GMT -5
Two young men are sitting outside of the McDonald’s global headquarters located in Chicago Illinois, the home of Tuesday Night Primetime 7.
(Holding one side of a long carpet) This is bogus man we’re supposed to be picking up the gems of this industry, not doing someone’s busy work.
(On the other side of the long carpet) Hey bro, I just do as I’m told. They say… aye kid, go bring that unusually long carpet outside and lay it out front. I say… yessum, and keep it pushing.
(Questioning the response) Is that how you’re gonna spend the rest of your life? Being a yes man to all of these corporate jocks. Like… that doesn’t sound dope to me broski.
To be honest, it was never about being a yes man, its more about securing my spot in this company. I want to make the big bucks one day and I’ll do anything for it.
(Blushing and stuttering) Do… do… do you think I can make the big bucks too?
(Totally honest) I think you’ve got what it takes to be a CEO. You just have to be willing to do ANYTHING for that spot.
Number 1 is so memorized by the words of his pal; he completely disregards the stretch limousine approaching at the entrance.
(Quickly switching the subject and focusing on more pressing matters) Alright ok dude, we gotta get this thing rolled out before our guest arrives.
(Now back to reality) Do you know who it is?
(Totally honest once more) No idea lov… I mean no idea bro.
(Stepping out of his limo with a briefcase and corduroy suit/tie) What’s goode guy? Can you direct me to the lobby?
(Visibly shaken) Could… could I get your name please and then we can get you to where you want to go?
Yeah, no doubt. My name is Phi… uh I mean my name is Guxxe Gampedee. I’m a jack-off of all trades. I do a little this, I do a little bit of that, and now I’m working on being an entrepreneur. One of my clients, Big Homunculus, you probably heard of em… is the best there ever was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be.
(Confidently) Here guys, try this.
(Very professional) Mr. Gampedee, Alberta Wrestling Federation’s finest, just the man I was looking for… how can I help you?
(Blunt and straight to business) All I need is your full attention and I’m sure we can work something out. (Speeding up his delivery) I’m going to get right to the point because I have somewhere to be. I have this product that is going to change the world and I want you to test it right now. We don’t have to go to your office or whatever the case.
(Reluctant) Ahh… I usually don’t conduct business like that. Can we reschedule then?
(Using every trick in the book to get the message across) I know, and I can respect it but please do me this solid favor. I promise you won’t regret it. This is a special milk concoction from the pigmy tribes of unexplored central Africa! I already copyrighted the name and the substance itself. I only have a small sample size for you right now, but. I have a feeling that McDonald’s has the resources to replicate this taste for the masses. Your interns loved it.
(Automatically intrigued) I guess… sure why not?
(With dollar signs covering his eyes) Fellas, I think we just hit the jackpot. That guy from AWF, you know… the one that SUXX. He just came to me with the best idea in human history. This is the best drink I’ve ever had. We need to manufacture this ASAP. Come to the office now! (Listening to his colleague and muttering to himself) Yep, yeah, yup, uh-huh, ok right. I’ll ask right now. Hey boss, what is this called?
(Sinister and deviously grinning) This right here is called… HOMUNCUMILK.
Intern #1
(Holding one side of a long carpet) This is bogus man we’re supposed to be picking up the gems of this industry, not doing someone’s busy work.
Intern #2
(On the other side of the long carpet) Hey bro, I just do as I’m told. They say… aye kid, go bring that unusually long carpet outside and lay it out front. I say… yessum, and keep it pushing.
Intern #1
(Questioning the response) Is that how you’re gonna spend the rest of your life? Being a yes man to all of these corporate jocks. Like… that doesn’t sound dope to me broski.
Intern #2
To be honest, it was never about being a yes man, its more about securing my spot in this company. I want to make the big bucks one day and I’ll do anything for it.
Number 2 gets closer to his fellow intern and starts grazing his inner thigh with his pinky finger, he manages to move lower and lower. His pinky is now stroking his pals’ knee and Number 1 is flush in the face.
Intern #1
(Blushing and stuttering) Do… do… do you think I can make the big bucks too?
The pair of men lock eyes.
Intern #2
(Totally honest) I think you’ve got what it takes to be a CEO. You just have to be willing to do ANYTHING for that spot.
Number 1 is so memorized by the words of his pal; he completely disregards the stretch limousine approaching at the entrance.
Intern #2
(Quickly switching the subject and focusing on more pressing matters) Alright ok dude, we gotta get this thing rolled out before our guest arrives.
Intern #1
(Now back to reality) Do you know who it is?
Intern #2
(Totally honest once more) No idea lov… I mean no idea bro.
The two men plant the carpet flat down and expose the red wool-like fibers. The carpet extends past several concrete steps and on to the drop-off lot. The limo is parked alongside the red fabric. The first foot that exits the vehicle is sporting a navy-blue wrestling boot, and the other is an exact match.
?e
(Stepping out of his limo with a briefcase and corduroy suit/tie) What’s goode guy? Can you direct me to the lobby?
Intern #1
(Visibly shaken) Could… could I get your name please and then we can get you to where you want to go?
?e
Yeah, no doubt. My name is Phi… uh I mean my name is Guxxe Gampedee. I’m a jack-off of all trades. I do a little this, I do a little bit of that, and now I’m working on being an entrepreneur. One of my clients, Big Homunculus, you probably heard of em… is the best there ever was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be.
Pulling a small sample of white liquid out of his pocket, Gampedee hands it off to the interns.
(Confidently) Here guys, try this.
They both take a nice swig of the sample and their eyes light up. Immediately, the two interns can no longer hide their love for each other, and they lock lips, the same way Gampedee locks a collar and elbow. Their hands are clenched and float upward in unison, leading the garbage lawyer, entrepreneur, and jack of all trades into the lobby. Guxxe sees a lanky Caucasian fellow in a suit and tie.
McDonald’s Executive
(Very professional) Mr. Gampedee, Alberta Wrestling Federation’s finest, just the man I was looking for… how can I help you?
Guxxe Gampedee
(Blunt and straight to business) All I need is your full attention and I’m sure we can work something out. (Speeding up his delivery) I’m going to get right to the point because I have somewhere to be. I have this product that is going to change the world and I want you to test it right now. We don’t have to go to your office or whatever the case.
McDonald’s Executive
(Reluctant) Ahh… I usually don’t conduct business like that. Can we reschedule then?
Guxxe Gampedee
(Using every trick in the book to get the message across) I know, and I can respect it but please do me this solid favor. I promise you won’t regret it. This is a special milk concoction from the pigmy tribes of unexplored central Africa! I already copyrighted the name and the substance itself. I only have a small sample size for you right now, but. I have a feeling that McDonald’s has the resources to replicate this taste for the masses. Your interns loved it.
Cut to the two interns outside practically levitating from the pure greatness of the sample.
McDonald’s Executive
(Automatically intrigued) I guess… sure why not?
His reaction to the sample is the same as the two interns and he pulls out his phone to call other members of the executive board.
(With dollar signs covering his eyes) Fellas, I think we just hit the jackpot. That guy from AWF, you know… the one that SUXX. He just came to me with the best idea in human history. This is the best drink I’ve ever had. We need to manufacture this ASAP. Come to the office now! (Listening to his colleague and muttering to himself) Yep, yeah, yup, uh-huh, ok right. I’ll ask right now. Hey boss, what is this called?
Guxxe Gampedee
(Sinister and deviously grinning) This right here is called… HOMUNCUMILK.
The conversation continues but the production of McDonald’s HOMUNCUMILK is already underway. They release a public statement to the world via Twitter and announce that they will be testing the product at… the United Center on 30 June 2020.